Social Media Experts: You Can Be One Too!

There are many people and companies on the internet who claim to be social media experts. Unfortunately, there are far more proclaimers than there are actual “experts.” So before you hire a self-proclaimed social media expert, let’s take a look at how you (yes, you!) can become a social media wiz yourself, in only three easy steps. If you believe the hype, you’ll have a new red sports car and a couple of bikini girls in no time.

Become a Social Media Expert in Three Easy Steps

1. Sign up for a bunch of social media accounts first, silly!

The big ones are Twitter, FaceBook, Pinterest, Google+ and LinkedIn, but there are dozens and dozens more. Click here for a list. Try to keep your profile name the same if you can-  you need brand continuity if you are going to pull this off. (People aren’t stupid!) For example, is short, and it’s a brand name (rather than a keyword-rich domain name), so getting matching accounts for a brand name is pretty easy.

If your website is, it’s going to be a lot harder to get exact matches for your social media profiles, so use synonyms when you can. For example, using the previous example as a primary URL, you could try PHXRE as a user name for social networking. It essentially means the same thing to Google.

In general, and especially if you are brand new to internet marketing, I wouldn’t recommend exact-match keyword domains. You need something that can properly announce your new, awesome career choice. Maybe or something equally as humble. Or go with something whacky, to draw attention, like I don’t know; the kids like z’s instead of the letter “s” nowadays. Make it snappy though- first impressions are very important, and all that.

2. Get a Bunch of Followers

This isn’t very hard to do. If you want the shortcut method- just post lots of pictures of cleavage and kittens and use #hashtags to attract people to your profile (#cleavage, #caturday or even #cleavagecaturday). Or use emotion to stir people up and get them to follow you. Writing insane political statements and appealing to insane people will always get you followers. This one earned me about twenty new followers, just since I posted it a few hours ago. Some of them think I’m being sarcastic and some of them think I blame Obama. I don’t care either way though, because to be a social media expert, you need followers. Your social follower’s I.Q. level will not affect your profile. If I do this every day, I could have…oh…maybe 10,000,000 followers in two years. With cleavage & kittens? Come on. Easy-peasy.

You could also buy followers. Of course, I don’t recommend doing this for many, many reasons- but what does it matter what I think? You’re in it for the short-term, quick-buck and you know it! Social media expert? Whatever. You’re not in the social media business to make friends; you want to make money. So get your followers however you can get ’em. I don’t sell followers, so I can’t help you with that particular cheat. But I’m sure you can Google it, right? You’re supposed to be the expert for heaven’s sake. Start Googling things right away. (Google is not a word in the English language and I realize that; please forgive me using it as a verb.)

3. Proclaim that you are a Social Media Expert!

Yep! That’s right! All you need to do is proclaim it. It seems so simple, right? But it’s really that easy.

If you go to a person’s Twitter profile, or Google+ page, or whatever– and their title is “Social Media Expert,” with a really kick-ass photo and 27,357 adoring fans- who are you to judge? Clearly, this person is a social media genius. You only have 48 followers and 10 of them are friends with your mom. This person must really know what they are doing.

Were they in prison two years ago? Maybe, but that’s not for you to worry about. You have a business to run.

Did they go to college or take special classes to learn? Hell no. That’s the best part. If you want to be a social media expert, you just align yourself with other experts, and they will prop you up on bullshit mountain. The other self-proclaimed experts will teach you all you need to know, as long as you don’t ask too many questions of course. If you ask too many questions, you will be shunned from the social media communities. Remember, when you are using FaceBook, that is your #1 favorite social media site. When you are on Twitter- nothing else exists. And when you are on Google+- especially when you are on Google+- you need to worship Google. If you get on Google+, you need to treat it like a cult that you infiltrated to write a tell-all book. Those on Google+ are almost religious about their precious Google. If you aren’t a fan of Google, then just post lots of cat pictures and cleavage, as discussed above.

Is that all it takes to become an expert?

Sadly, yes. The irony in all of this is that we have a real social media expert at GuruEffect- and many other companies do too- but he doesn’t fit any of the above criteria. He doesn’t have time to login to his own Google+ page, because he is too busy logging in to our client’s Google+ pages. He checks his own FaceBook in the morning, just in case there is any family news- but then that’s it. He doesn’t even have a Twitter account. In addition, we don’t always take over your social media (unless you really want us to), but rather, we teach our clients – who want to learn- how to do it right.

The reality is that if you are looking to hire a social media guru, and you decide to hire that guy who is always on social media, then who is going to be running your campaign? Never thought about that, did you? I can tell you that many SEO companies outsource their social marketing to companies in India, Turkey, and the Ukraine. After all, the company or consultant that you hired certainly doesn’t have the time to work on your stuff. They’ve got a full-time job promoting themselves as social media gurus. It’s sad irony.

When you hire GuruEffect, you will be hiring our social media expert- Andrew Ferris- who is not very active in social media at all. In fact, he’s so inactive, he’s a dang expert.